Anger - Day Two

^“In your anger do not sin; 

       when you are on your beds, 

       search your hearts and be silent. SELAH” Psalm 4:4 NIV

     

     ….and listen to God. Hear His whispers. Do not spew, spit, fret, and curse. Walk through the corridors of your heart and expose the anger, but do not get caught up in it. Show it to God and ask for Him to take it so you can rest. 

     I prayed so often: “I am angry, Lord. Help me. Help me not to retaliate. The anger is real. I hurt. Revenge is what I WANT, but you say revenge is yours. I want him to suffer as I suffer. Take this from me.”

     Dear Sister in Christ, as you lie in your bed at night, you need peace to sleep, so search your heart and be silent. God our Father knows your hurts. To sleep well we must let go of the anger, and let God put His soothing healing touch on your sore places.

     For months I felt nothing—numb. The anger would erupt like a volcano that only the cooling rain of God could soothe or tame.  That rain came in the form of a safe place to retreat, soothing ocean music, good books, TV shows where the good guys win, praise music, phone calls from caring friends and being still. An anger eruption could drain me for days because I had so little energy. Divorce drains you of all emotional and physical reserves.

     My divorce was unbelievably civil though. We chose that. Our last act as a married couple because we both love our daughter. Neither had any illusions that this would be easy, but because we put her first--our meetings were civil--most of the time. One night I lost it because he made an insensitive remark to our daughter and she called me crying. I called him and yelled and cursed. I am not proud of it, but it was needed for me. My anger was important and he needed to be reminded that his actions had repercussions and there was a limit to my civility.

     I had to repeatedly lay the anger down at God's feet. As a dear friend would say, I had the learning curve of a squirrel. The nights I refused to let go were wakeful hard nights, but I did reach a place, a time, where I wanted the sleep and the peace more than the anger. You will too.

 Practical steps: 

If you want to sleep, each evening turn your heart over to God. Let Him stroll the rooms and corridors, and spread His restoring light and life. Feel it, believe it, and visualize it, whatever helps you is okay.

Your thoughts: ________________________________________________ 

“I will lie down and sleep in peace,
       for you alone, O LORD,
       make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 NIV

Anger - Day One

“Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save a life or to kill? But they remained silent. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”  Mark 3:4-5 NIV

     Jesus got angry. He got angry at narrow-mindedness, lack of compassion, and the need for control. He was angry with their hard hearts. Anger in this form is a righteous anger. It is an emotional reaction to an unjust situation.

     There is nothing just in any divorce situation. Adultery, violence, verbal abuse, lack of love, growing apart, addictions are all unjust situations that can and do throw marriages into divorce. Some couples survive, but is very much a personal and case-by-case choice. A decision made in prayer and discussed with God. I believe God does not like divorce, but I also believe God is compassionate. Abundant life is not found at the end of a fist or through repeated betrayals. Jesus would be angry at the injustice of those situations as well.

     So is it okay to be angry? Yes. It is not okay to act out in that anger. Did I want to do bodily harm to my former spouse or at least to his truck? Yes! Did I want to tell my family all the horrible things? Yes, yes, and yes. Did I? NO! Did my tongue call him every name in the book, and say aloud words I did not even know I knew? But not in front of my child. I am not perfect. I repeat--I am not perfect. But in acting out our anger, we usually do ourselves more harm. When the anger is spent we are so worn out and sad that it hardly seems worth it.

     Jesus did something good in his anger—to right a wrong.  Can we learn to do that? Can we vent our anger properly? 

Practical steps:

The batting cages are wonderful for venting anger and releasing stress. A fast-paced walk is good for your body, heart and mind. Choose an activity that will physically push you.

Your thoughts:
__________________________________________________

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26 NIV

Week Two - Anger or Everyone Feels It

 “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath,

Do not fret; it only causes harm” Psalm 37:8 NKJV

     This verse is much easier read and studied, than acted upon and accomplished.     

Anger comes in many forms as mentioned in the scripture above. I can testify that I was angry at my husband for leaving me and our daughter. I was angry at the lack of communication.  I was angry at my inability to repair the damage done by fear and insecurities. I was angry at my inadequacies as wife and mother. I was angry at him for not trying harder, longer, better, whatever it took to restore our marriage. I was angry at God, for not answering my prayers the way I wanted. I was angry with my family for still saying they loved my soon-to-be ex. That was like a Judas betrayal to me. They could still love him, but to tell me was like a slap in the face, and I wasn't certain whose side of the fence they were on.

     Degrees of anger oozed through me. The waves of ooze were sometimes slow, steady and constant. At other times the waves were fast, fierce and drowning. I have drowned in my anger. Not the way to go, I assure you.

     So how did I deal with it? I wish I could say I did one episode at a time, one situation at a time, and one person at a time, but that is not true. Most of the time I was a composite of various angers and it would slosh from one situation to the next situation. Not good. Not good at all. It took months to begin untangling the roots and sources and causes of my various angers, and then to address each one.

     I had an awesome counselor who kept telling me to ask and answer the hard questions. What was I really angry about? Who was I angry at and why? Had I prayed about it? Was I ready to get past it? Was I ready to forgive? That last question is a significant one, but even more important is talking with God about your anger and listening for His response. Slowly, God and I untangled the various angers. Slowly, God and I addressed them, and ever so slowly, consistently, faithfully, God helped me to forgive. Remember last week's topic? It takes time, but God will work with you in dealing with the anger. 

Time - Day Five

 ^“Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus." Acts 3:19-20 NIV

     Were there sins involved in your divorce? My sins were sins of neglect, selfishness, and cowardice in talking about the hard things. Is divorce a sin? I do not know. Yet sin is real and in our world, and we are flesh and bone. I had to confess my sins, take responsibility for my part in the failure of my marriage. God knew. I knew. There was no point in hiding from it.

     So even though my faith was crumbling, I prayed to God to help my unbelief. I prayed for God’s healing. I prayed for refreshing. I needed the winds of forgiveness to refresh my spirit. I needed the Holy Spirit to remind me of his presence. I needed to know He was near and would always help defend me from the temptation of sin.

     Divorce does not bring out the best in most people. Divorce has a tendency to bring out the worst. But that is why Jesus died for us while we were yet still sinners, to save us from ourselves. Let God breath a refreshing time into this season of divorce for you.

Practical steps:  For refreshing I read the Psalms, or a favorite devotional, or spend quiet time on the back porch with my coffee and my Father in heaven.

 Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” Romans 5:6 NIV

Time - Day Four

“When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.”  Luke 4:13

     Even the devil had to wait for an opportune time! One of God’s fallen angels had to wait. Because there is only one who controls time--God. God knows the hour of our birth, and the hour of our death. He knows our struggles, our triumphs, our hours of despair and our hours of happiness. And He knows best how long a human heart needs to heal.

     God crafted the human heart. He knows the physical workings and the spiritual/emotional workings. Time is not the enemy: time is the cure. Just like a broken bone needs to be set by a doctor and given time to knit itself back together; a heart needs to be set by the great Healer. Though an x-ray would not have shown the break in my heart, it was real. The pain in my chest was real. The nights I spent with a pillow curled to my chest in order to keep my heart from spilling out in pieces on the floor were real.

     I had to give my heart into an expert’s care. The bandages were invisible to the naked eye and took awhile to get in place. Hurting creatures react badly to anyone getting close to their wounded place. I was the same way. But consistent hugs from friends, long and strong and comforting, laid strips of gauze around the broken halves of my heart. Phone calls, cards, and prayers added the white tape to hold the gauze in place and yet allowed the break to breathe, not fester.

     The bandages got ripped off a few times that first long year, reopening the wound, but my dear God-sent friends who knew the process by now. They listened to me rant, rave, sob and all the while they began wrapping my heart again with their tender loving care.

     God is the only one who knows the opportune time to free me or you from the bandages. But when He does remove the last strips of gauze we will be stronger, healthier and more compassionate than ever before. I genuinely believe this to be true.

Practical steps: Receive the loving attention of friends and family. Make time for them. Accept their help and kindnesses. It’s a sweet salve that eases the ache of a broken heart.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised. Heb 11:11 NKJV

Time - Day Three

“On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”  Matthew 10:18-20 NIV

In the first two years of my divorce I experienced moments when I simply did not know what to do. Without a partner--a backup to bounce decisions off of--I was hesitant, unsure, frustrated. Not because I couldn’t make decisions, because I could. But the loss of my spouse--even thru divorce or especially through divorce--made me question myself. Could I make good decisions? Could I trust myself to know what was best? My longest relationship outside my family had failed. I was partially to blame. What did that say about me? Simple decisions became nearly impossible and in that autopilot survival mode, God took care of me.

My daughter, Erin, got to school, got fed, got insulin, got picked up from school when her sugar went too high and she became incoherent, and she got through the last four months of high school and graduated. I think back and it is like watching a bad TV movie.

Drama, drama, drama.

But when it was time, I gave an answer, someone picked up Erin’s car from school, my dad took the garbage to the street, the laundry got done and the groceries were bought. My body went through the motions while my mind and spirit were curled up in the palm of Jesus’ hands protected and safe. Then little by little, like a butterfly, I began to emerge from the cocoon of His hands.                                                      

Practical steps: Learn to lean on your Heavenly Father for support. When you can’t, He can. Start the day with a simple prayer. Lord, take this day and guide every decision. Amen.

Your thoughts: _______________________________________________

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV

Day Two - Time

^“But I trust in you, O LORD; 

       I say, "You are my God."

My times are in your hands; 

       deliver me from my enemies 

       and from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine on your servant; 

       save me in your unfailing love.” Psalm 31:14-16 

     As a Christian, what does it mean that my times are in God’s hands? It means that every year, month, week, day, hour, and moment belong to Him. It means He is in control of life. It means not a moment passes that He isn't aware of us and where we are and what we are doing.

     Are we being tempted and chased by sin? He knows. Are we suffering in silence? He knows. Are our days without hope and interminable? He knows. If we awoke with a smile and a prayer, He knows. If we awoke and can’t figure out how to put our feet to the floor, He knows. Our times are His.

     This Psalm says to trust God with your times, with your days, with your circumstances--good or bad. It says: I trust God. I believe God. I know you will save me from the dark days, long cold nights, and weary body, soul and mind. This Psalm calls upon God and his unfailing love. He will answer, in His time.

Practical steps: Post verse 14 where you can see it throughout the day. Repeat it to yourself in the moments of emotional turmoil. I trust in you God. Be with me.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“I was afraid and thought that he had driven me out of his presence. But he heard my cry, when I called to him for help.” Psalm 31:22 GNB