Anger - Day Four

^“A fool gives full vent to his anger,
       but a wise man keeps himself under control.”

Proverbs 29:11 NIV

     We have all done things in anger, said things in anger that we wished later we could have taken back. That is what this verse is talking about. We are not always wise though and especially in the middle of a divorce, wisdom is hard to find. So we must lean on those smarter than us, those less emotional than us for guidance. A calm sure loving voice at the other end of the telephone. Without good friends, who knows the trouble I would have gotten into. I remember one night I was so angry I kept driving in circles around the city. I was too keyed up to go home to an empty house. I needed an outlet for my anger and I was looking for trouble.
           God lead me to a church parking lot. He provided pen and paper to vent my anger on instead of myself or someone else. I wrote the letter to my ex telling him how furious I was, how betrayed I felt, how unfair he had been, how low of a man I thought he was and more. By the time I finished I was exhausted. I drove myself home, took a hot shower and fell into bed. I gave the letter to my counselor.

Practical steps: God will provide a safe place to vent if you seek Him, and sometimes even if you do not seek Him. When physical activity isn’t available, then pen and paper are the next best thing. Cry out to God because we are His and He cares for us.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

 ^“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Anger- Day Three

 ^“A gentle answer turns away wrath,
       but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Proverbs 15:1 NIV

Adversaries. Where once a couple had stood, now stood opponents. How do you battle without losing sight of the goal-- to end the war? To reach a peace treaty with as little blood shed as possible? You need a cool calm spirit. You need a gentle spirit. You need the Holy Spirit. During the first year of my divorce I felt the voice of the Spirit whisper to me “Be Still” and “Trust me.” Repeatedly. Only those words.

When David and I would meet to discuss dividing money, belongings, I needed that calm Spirit, that guiding influence. It would have been too easy to accuse, judge, argue, threaten and curse at him. And it would have stirred up his “anger” as the verse above says. Then we would have needed lawyers to talk for us, although sometimes they are necessary because of various legal matters.

Those whispers into my spirit were like invisible cloaks I could slip on and disappear for awhile. It allowed me to be present, yet not to overreact or act emotionally until later in the safety of my bed or with a friend to protect me. I did not always feel God meet me there, but you and I both know that our feelings are tricky and can’t be trusted. The valley of divorce makes steps of faith feel like you are moving five hundred pound weights attached to your feet. Yet those steps are needed if we are going to cross this valley without becoming bitter old crones.

Practical steps: Memorize a verse or two about the Holy Spirit that you can use to calm yourself when meeting with the soon-to-be ex spouse. Or write them on an index card you can pull out of your pocket or purse at anytime. 

Your thoughts: ________________________________________________

^“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” John 14:26 NIV

Anger - Day Two

^“In your anger do not sin; 

       when you are on your beds, 

       search your hearts and be silent. SELAH” Psalm 4:4 NIV

     

     ….and listen to God. Hear His whispers. Do not spew, spit, fret, and curse. Walk through the corridors of your heart and expose the anger, but do not get caught up in it. Show it to God and ask for Him to take it so you can rest. 

     I prayed so often: “I am angry, Lord. Help me. Help me not to retaliate. The anger is real. I hurt. Revenge is what I WANT, but you say revenge is yours. I want him to suffer as I suffer. Take this from me.”

     Dear Sister in Christ, as you lie in your bed at night, you need peace to sleep, so search your heart and be silent. God our Father knows your hurts. To sleep well we must let go of the anger, and let God put His soothing healing touch on your sore places.

     For months I felt nothing—numb. The anger would erupt like a volcano that only the cooling rain of God could soothe or tame.  That rain came in the form of a safe place to retreat, soothing ocean music, good books, TV shows where the good guys win, praise music, phone calls from caring friends and being still. An anger eruption could drain me for days because I had so little energy. Divorce drains you of all emotional and physical reserves.

     My divorce was unbelievably civil though. We chose that. Our last act as a married couple because we both love our daughter. Neither had any illusions that this would be easy, but because we put her first--our meetings were civil--most of the time. One night I lost it because he made an insensitive remark to our daughter and she called me crying. I called him and yelled and cursed. I am not proud of it, but it was needed for me. My anger was important and he needed to be reminded that his actions had repercussions and there was a limit to my civility.

     I had to repeatedly lay the anger down at God's feet. As a dear friend would say, I had the learning curve of a squirrel. The nights I refused to let go were wakeful hard nights, but I did reach a place, a time, where I wanted the sleep and the peace more than the anger. You will too.

 Practical steps: 

If you want to sleep, each evening turn your heart over to God. Let Him stroll the rooms and corridors, and spread His restoring light and life. Feel it, believe it, and visualize it, whatever helps you is okay.

Your thoughts: ________________________________________________ 

“I will lie down and sleep in peace,
       for you alone, O LORD,
       make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 NIV

Anger - Day One

“Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save a life or to kill? But they remained silent. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”  Mark 3:4-5 NIV

     Jesus got angry. He got angry at narrow-mindedness, lack of compassion, and the need for control. He was angry with their hard hearts. Anger in this form is a righteous anger. It is an emotional reaction to an unjust situation.

     There is nothing just in any divorce situation. Adultery, violence, verbal abuse, lack of love, growing apart, addictions are all unjust situations that can and do throw marriages into divorce. Some couples survive, but is very much a personal and case-by-case choice. A decision made in prayer and discussed with God. I believe God does not like divorce, but I also believe God is compassionate. Abundant life is not found at the end of a fist or through repeated betrayals. Jesus would be angry at the injustice of those situations as well.

     So is it okay to be angry? Yes. It is not okay to act out in that anger. Did I want to do bodily harm to my former spouse or at least to his truck? Yes! Did I want to tell my family all the horrible things? Yes, yes, and yes. Did I? NO! Did my tongue call him every name in the book, and say aloud words I did not even know I knew? But not in front of my child. I am not perfect. I repeat--I am not perfect. But in acting out our anger, we usually do ourselves more harm. When the anger is spent we are so worn out and sad that it hardly seems worth it.

     Jesus did something good in his anger—to right a wrong.  Can we learn to do that? Can we vent our anger properly? 

Practical steps:

The batting cages are wonderful for venting anger and releasing stress. A fast-paced walk is good for your body, heart and mind. Choose an activity that will physically push you.

Your thoughts:
__________________________________________________

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26 NIV