Week Two - Anger or Everyone Feels It

 “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath,

Do not fret; it only causes harm” Psalm 37:8 NKJV

     This verse is much easier read and studied, than acted upon and accomplished.     

Anger comes in many forms as mentioned in the scripture above. I can testify that I was angry at my husband for leaving me and our daughter. I was angry at the lack of communication.  I was angry at my inability to repair the damage done by fear and insecurities. I was angry at my inadequacies as wife and mother. I was angry at him for not trying harder, longer, better, whatever it took to restore our marriage. I was angry at God, for not answering my prayers the way I wanted. I was angry with my family for still saying they loved my soon-to-be ex. That was like a Judas betrayal to me. They could still love him, but to tell me was like a slap in the face, and I wasn't certain whose side of the fence they were on.

     Degrees of anger oozed through me. The waves of ooze were sometimes slow, steady and constant. At other times the waves were fast, fierce and drowning. I have drowned in my anger. Not the way to go, I assure you.

     So how did I deal with it? I wish I could say I did one episode at a time, one situation at a time, and one person at a time, but that is not true. Most of the time I was a composite of various angers and it would slosh from one situation to the next situation. Not good. Not good at all. It took months to begin untangling the roots and sources and causes of my various angers, and then to address each one.

     I had an awesome counselor who kept telling me to ask and answer the hard questions. What was I really angry about? Who was I angry at and why? Had I prayed about it? Was I ready to get past it? Was I ready to forgive? That last question is a significant one, but even more important is talking with God about your anger and listening for His response. Slowly, God and I untangled the various angers. Slowly, God and I addressed them, and ever so slowly, consistently, faithfully, God helped me to forgive. Remember last week's topic? It takes time, but God will work with you in dealing with the anger. 

Time - Day Five

 ^“Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus." Acts 3:19-20 NIV

     Were there sins involved in your divorce? My sins were sins of neglect, selfishness, and cowardice in talking about the hard things. Is divorce a sin? I do not know. Yet sin is real and in our world, and we are flesh and bone. I had to confess my sins, take responsibility for my part in the failure of my marriage. God knew. I knew. There was no point in hiding from it.

     So even though my faith was crumbling, I prayed to God to help my unbelief. I prayed for God’s healing. I prayed for refreshing. I needed the winds of forgiveness to refresh my spirit. I needed the Holy Spirit to remind me of his presence. I needed to know He was near and would always help defend me from the temptation of sin.

     Divorce does not bring out the best in most people. Divorce has a tendency to bring out the worst. But that is why Jesus died for us while we were yet still sinners, to save us from ourselves. Let God breath a refreshing time into this season of divorce for you.

Practical steps:  For refreshing I read the Psalms, or a favorite devotional, or spend quiet time on the back porch with my coffee and my Father in heaven.

 Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” Romans 5:6 NIV

Time - Day Four

“When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.”  Luke 4:13

     Even the devil had to wait for an opportune time! One of God’s fallen angels had to wait. Because there is only one who controls time--God. God knows the hour of our birth, and the hour of our death. He knows our struggles, our triumphs, our hours of despair and our hours of happiness. And He knows best how long a human heart needs to heal.

     God crafted the human heart. He knows the physical workings and the spiritual/emotional workings. Time is not the enemy: time is the cure. Just like a broken bone needs to be set by a doctor and given time to knit itself back together; a heart needs to be set by the great Healer. Though an x-ray would not have shown the break in my heart, it was real. The pain in my chest was real. The nights I spent with a pillow curled to my chest in order to keep my heart from spilling out in pieces on the floor were real.

     I had to give my heart into an expert’s care. The bandages were invisible to the naked eye and took awhile to get in place. Hurting creatures react badly to anyone getting close to their wounded place. I was the same way. But consistent hugs from friends, long and strong and comforting, laid strips of gauze around the broken halves of my heart. Phone calls, cards, and prayers added the white tape to hold the gauze in place and yet allowed the break to breathe, not fester.

     The bandages got ripped off a few times that first long year, reopening the wound, but my dear God-sent friends who knew the process by now. They listened to me rant, rave, sob and all the while they began wrapping my heart again with their tender loving care.

     God is the only one who knows the opportune time to free me or you from the bandages. But when He does remove the last strips of gauze we will be stronger, healthier and more compassionate than ever before. I genuinely believe this to be true.

Practical steps: Receive the loving attention of friends and family. Make time for them. Accept their help and kindnesses. It’s a sweet salve that eases the ache of a broken heart.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised. Heb 11:11 NKJV

Time - Day Three

“On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”  Matthew 10:18-20 NIV

In the first two years of my divorce I experienced moments when I simply did not know what to do. Without a partner--a backup to bounce decisions off of--I was hesitant, unsure, frustrated. Not because I couldn’t make decisions, because I could. But the loss of my spouse--even thru divorce or especially through divorce--made me question myself. Could I make good decisions? Could I trust myself to know what was best? My longest relationship outside my family had failed. I was partially to blame. What did that say about me? Simple decisions became nearly impossible and in that autopilot survival mode, God took care of me.

My daughter, Erin, got to school, got fed, got insulin, got picked up from school when her sugar went too high and she became incoherent, and she got through the last four months of high school and graduated. I think back and it is like watching a bad TV movie.

Drama, drama, drama.

But when it was time, I gave an answer, someone picked up Erin’s car from school, my dad took the garbage to the street, the laundry got done and the groceries were bought. My body went through the motions while my mind and spirit were curled up in the palm of Jesus’ hands protected and safe. Then little by little, like a butterfly, I began to emerge from the cocoon of His hands.                                                      

Practical steps: Learn to lean on your Heavenly Father for support. When you can’t, He can. Start the day with a simple prayer. Lord, take this day and guide every decision. Amen.

Your thoughts: _______________________________________________

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV

Day Two - Time

^“But I trust in you, O LORD; 

       I say, "You are my God."

My times are in your hands; 

       deliver me from my enemies 

       and from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine on your servant; 

       save me in your unfailing love.” Psalm 31:14-16 

     As a Christian, what does it mean that my times are in God’s hands? It means that every year, month, week, day, hour, and moment belong to Him. It means He is in control of life. It means not a moment passes that He isn't aware of us and where we are and what we are doing.

     Are we being tempted and chased by sin? He knows. Are we suffering in silence? He knows. Are our days without hope and interminable? He knows. If we awoke with a smile and a prayer, He knows. If we awoke and can’t figure out how to put our feet to the floor, He knows. Our times are His.

     This Psalm says to trust God with your times, with your days, with your circumstances--good or bad. It says: I trust God. I believe God. I know you will save me from the dark days, long cold nights, and weary body, soul and mind. This Psalm calls upon God and his unfailing love. He will answer, in His time.

Practical steps: Post verse 14 where you can see it throughout the day. Repeat it to yourself in the moments of emotional turmoil. I trust in you God. Be with me.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“I was afraid and thought that he had driven me out of his presence. But he heard my cry, when I called to him for help.” Psalm 31:22 GNB

Day One -- Time

Time 

^“Then the LORD said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son." Gen 18:10 NIV

     I loved being pregnant. I loved the stretchy clothes, eating six times a day, and watching my stomach grow. I was fascinated at the whole process, and read all kinds of books. The ultrasound pictures of what my daughter, Erin, looked like at twelve weeks and twenty weeks were amazing to me.

     But time seemed to pass slower and slower the closer I got to my delivery date. I was huge, and was only comfortable in one pink sweat suit and one ugly striped flannel gown. It was TIME for this kid to be born. So why does it take forty weeks to make a baby? God had a plan. I’m sure of it. Maybe because I needed time to adjust to my changing emotions, changing girth, or changing hormones. Maybe I needed time to change the priorities in my life because I was going to be someone’s mama.

     Whatever the reason, time is a necessary element in the procreation and birthing a family process. Time to paint, prepare a room, have baby showers, and stock up on diapers. Though sometimes the days pass slowly and our feet swell, the day when the baby is ready does come. We must wait. Waiting is never easy. Whether we are waiting for a child to be born or to heal from a heart-sickness or a physical healing. It just isn't easy. But it can be done.

                     Practical steps 

     Cultivate a day by day attitude and accept each day’s challenges and blessings. Know that each day brings you closer to healing; each step through the valley, each day’s travel brings you that much closer to reaching the other side.

Your thoughts: _________________________________________________

“and she became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham when he was old. The boy was born at the time God had said he would be born.” Gen 21:2 GNB

Time or No One Wants to Hear it

WEEK ONE

“There is a time for everything,

And a season for every activity under heaven.”  Ecc 3:1 NIV

    I lived through a season of divorce. Its climate was quite variable and unpredictable. Hot angry nights followed cold autopilot days. Then the never-ending tears of days were interspersed with brief moments of sun. There were quite a few grey overcast days but sometimes storms of emotions popped up unexpectedly. Drought and downpours were not uncommon.

    None of the above is pleasant, but it can be survived. God’s word says there is a time for everything. I remember reading this and thinking, “Even divorce?” Time to weep, that scripture made sense to me. Time to mourn definitely fit my situation. But where was time to divorce? It’s time itself that is necessary. It’s the only constant predictable cure that I have found and experienced first hand.

    I know you don’t want to hear this. I didn't either. I wanted it over, done, finished and to move forward. But time was what was needed to heal my heart, the distrust I felt towards everyone, and what allowed the pain to reside.

    Time allowed distance to dull the ache and gain perspective. Time sharpened hindsight. Time allowed and inspired growth, change, and the act of being still. (“Be still and know that I am God,” from Psalms 46:10 became my mantra.) Time allows you to draw near to God and invites God to carry you over those dangerous cracks in your life foundation, while providing soothing words that mend those same cracks.

    I wanted to be well quickly. I wanted to get on with it, start over, stop wasting time--which is how I perceived the last two years of my marriage. I tried desperately to be the wife he wanted, the wife God expected, and a good mom too. I prayed, read the books, and saw two counselors to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I begged God to restore, recreate, renew my marriage, but it was not to be. So, let me be done with this.  I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally. 

    Mentally, I had been to see two counselors.

    Physically, I suffered through humiliating tests to see why my body was having pains and sleeplessness, to be told it was the stress of my marriage. The symptoms were real, but the cause was anxiety.

    Spiritually, I believed God had abandoned me. I believed the rules applied to everyone but me. Either God simply did not love me or the “rules” about being a good wife--good housekeeper, bookkeeper, caregiver, help mate, companion, kind and generous—did not work.

    Emotionally, I felt rejected on all levels. The man who had lived with me for twenty years had walked away. He did not love me. If I was not worthy of his love--the person who should know me best--then would anyone ever love me? I shut down emotionally for a very long time.

    I am happy to report all of the above has changed for the better. Time, sweet time, was the needed cure. Time to heal on all levels with the help of God, sweet Jesus, and dear friends.